I know what it's like to have to block someone due to lack of self-control, because as you know, that’s what happened between Bea and I, and I hate that comparison so much because I don't think we're like that at all. 

I guess that even though we weren’t talking directly, part of me still felt as if we were connected somehow (through our random tweets and statuses), and that helped me cope a lot. But when that connection was cut off, I felt really bad. And when I thought about it, I thought that maybe you blocking me meant I was some toxic part of your life that you *had to* cut off. 

I still remember going back and forth with Dylan about it, and I kept telling her, not to tell me if you didn’t want me to know, because the truth was, I probably already understood why. It was only after reading what you said that I had really really understood, because, well, not to stroke my ego, but my guess was correct.

And I felt the exact same way you did, everything felt so heavy yet so empty, and I just ended up more sad and confused about everything.

And maybe it's comforting knowing that you reacted the same way, because I know it wasn’t easy for you, that it isn’t easy for you.

Though, I just want to compliment the thoroughness of your blocking, I expected nothing less coming from you. I also did you the favor of removing other outlets of mine you missed (this mainly being my other ig acc and making my twitter priv so u dont get tempted to check.)

Maybe this far into the letter, you’re wondering what my goal is or what I hope to achieve with this, and the truth is, I dont know either. 

Though I have made significant progress with Gilmore Girls, I think even if I do finish season 1, I want to give us more time, maybe even until the end of March because we did break our rules a bit near the end. So maybe we don't talk until then but who can really tell when it comes to us, and as you know, our thing has always been a two-way street so, this is more me passing the ball to you, and if ever you feel comfortable, you can be the one to break and message me first. (but maybe this counts as me breaking first already wdqnkj) and maybe by then, my feelings would’ve adjusted a bit here and there, but the truth is, when it comes to this, there’s a really good chance that some things never change. (yes, I had to sing that line when I re-read it too.)

Though if you want me to be honest with you, I don’t want to distance at all. I’m so tempted all the time to just say fuck it and just ignore all these extra things and talk to you, but I think guilt has got us both under its thumb right now.

I guess one of the main things I wanted to say was, please don’t rush yourself and please take your time to figure things out. Though I won’t be spending all my time waiting for you like I said, you’ve found yourself a nice and comfy spot here in my head (woah rhyme), so trust me, you have a long while, because I hope there’s a part 2 to our story too, and even if not, I would fight against the whole universe to make it so.

Also, just for transparency, I might check your tumblr page here and there when I get bored or something, but I guess I’ll also try posting more on this blog (maybe infrequently so don’t worry), you don’t even have to check it honestly, but, it’ll be here… If you ever miss me like I miss you.

Part of me also wonders, if we ever start talking again after a long time, if we’ll be like two boomers trying to talk like we used to before, trying to pull up old inside jokes we can barely string together. But, in all honestly, I’m not that worried. Knowing us — knowing you; I know it’ll work out if it's meant to.

So please take care of yourself (not too much tho so u can still depend on me a bit, jk ½), but seriously, please do, the one thing you owe to anyone is to be kind to yourself (especially when it comes to sleep!). And there are an infinite number of things I still want to say to you, but I’ll just say this for now:

Please don’t forget me while we aren’t talking (or do forget me if you need to jkwfn) but I hope that you don’t, because I don’t think I could forget you.

And of course, I have to be the one to get the last word in so I can be the cool one, you know.

I’ll see u, someday.